Getting over the fear of marriage

It sometimes happens that a marriage proposal is met with less enthusiasm than might be hoped for. A mitigated, hesitant or even negative response can hide a fear of commitment or even fears of being “imprisoned”.

“When I talk about marriage, I can really feel him scowling;” Lucy comments. “Since I proposed on bended knee,” I’ve felt her becoming more distant,’ worries Romain.

The ring on the finger, white dress and romantic honeymoon happen only once in a lifetime (if all goes to plan!). While romanticism has remained in tact for women, the number of those actually walking down the aisle is dwindling. In 1940, the number of marriages registered in England and Wales peaked at 426,100 – which has gradually slipped down to only 143,400 in 2007.

Much of the reduction in marriages can be linked to changing social mores, which now accept cohabitation outside of marriage and increasing divorce rates.

But those who do still believe in the institution of marriage, and yet are recalcitrant to actually get married themselves have their reasons and it’s worth understanding those, if you want to give “happily ever after” a chance.

The reasons behind a fear of marriage

“Every marriage proposal is unique, and you need to differentiate between one that is motivated by a deep intention of moving forward together and one that is shaped more by the fear of losing the other,” advises psychotherapist Sarah Seriévic.

The first type can awaken a fear of commitment in the other, and the second immediately pushes the other into feelings of imprisonment and of losing the freedom that was gained after leaving the parental home. Others who are reticent may of course belong to the “happily divorced” category, swearing that they will not be had twice.

Each one of these is therefore a “good reason" for responding to even the most romantic proposal with hesitation, awkwardness, grumbling or sometimes even by escape. Luckily, love overcomes obstacles and by taking them into account you’ll be able to better give past them…

Marriage and long-term commitment

The fear of commitment is understandable but kind of difficult to own up to. For some, the delight of waiting and constantly repeating the same question in order to know if they are loved or not can be exciting. The emotional reassurance on which marriage is based on goes against desire and will actually put the brakes on a relationship. Others will not admit to themselves that they are afraid, even if they give the impression of wanting to enter speedily into wedded bliss.

Most of the time, a resistance to commitment hides wobbly self-confidence. Sarah Sériévic pinpoints the problem; “It’s all to do with the fear of not being all the other could wish for and living up to an ideal.”

A marriage proposal brings a person up against the question: “Will I be affectionate, attentive and loving enough, faced with the constraints of daily life and that for the rest of our lives?”

To get the wheels turning, Sarah Sériévic suggests a different way of looking at things: What if getting married is a chance to commit, offering the opportunity to reassure yourself of your own value? The other has chosen you as ‘the one’ after all…

Marriage with strings attached!

When the proposal is motivated by the desire to be permanently attached to the other, or the fear of losing them, this can certainly lead to resistance linked to the idea of being imprisoned.

Visions of a beautiful white veil, incredible tiered wedding cake, a prince charming and beautiful princess all fly out of the window and only the image of a ball and chain is left, with the feeling of being held down all the time.

This is often the case in exclusive relationships. “Laying the weight of all your happiness exclusively on the shoulders of your partner can be oppressing,” says the psychotherapist. Some types of very possessive love can be imprisoning as a result.

This type of over-the-top possessiveness can be recognised by signs of excessive jealousy or emotional dependence. Here, a simple evening passed without the other’s company can generate anxiety and if this is the case, your partner’s fear of marriage is completely justified.

Ask yourselves again what your motivations are, and try to think first about the notion of “being free together”: an idea which is based on more confidence in the other and in yourself than possession. It is about a relationship being built around a desire for personal development with a view to sharing your life with someone. Only you can decide to commit for the right reasons, and your partner too!

The clan of the “happily divorced”

Our modern era is complex for relationships and has seen a huge revolution in the way men and women live together, including de-facto cohabitation outside of the bounds of marriage, and of course divorce. The generalisation of divorce is one of the most notable phenomena of the last half-century, across all ages and sectors of society.

The number of divorces in the UK rose from 33,000 in 1950 to 155,000 in 2000. Over the last couple of years, the trend has decreased a little, but this may well be in direct relation to the decreasing number of marriages – there’s no need to get divorced if you aren’t married! That being said, the number of splits in de-facto relationships has inched above the number of divorces…

And in a new relationship, it’s often the case of once bitten twice shy; with those once divorced naturally more reluctant to walk down the aisle a second time over, particularly where children are involved… This particular reason for aversion to marriage is a hard one to get over, so if you are dead-set on marrying your already divorced partner, you could be in for disappointment.

Marriage as a ritual part of your evolution

And if the underlying fear is of things not being normal anymore? After all, when these choices over the dress and the caterer etc. are out of the way, getting married means saying a resounding “yes” to the huge adventure of being a couple, and facing all the challenges it may bring.

Loving and committing someone for the long-term is without doubt the most immediate way of finding out what your own limitations are. An exercise we are not all always ready to launch ourselves into. Only if you take it for what it really is, can you know what an amazing opportunity marriage is for personal evolution.

Internet safety tips for parents

You’ve got friends in the hundreds on Facebook, follow Stephen Fry on Twitter and use the iPlayer to catch up on last weekend’s telly.

But even if you think you’re “down with the kids” you probably still don’t know as much as they do about the Internet.

And this glaring fact is leaving many thousands of children open to abuse.

A new survey reveals that, while around 80 per cent of British five to 15-year-olds are online every day, nearly two-thirds (61 per cent) of parents fail to set adequate online controls to keep them safe.

The MORI poll, commissioned by the UK’s Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (CEOP), suggests parents’ confusion about the new technologies is a major obstacle to proper understanding of the sites their children are visiting.

The boom in social networking, instant messaging and gaming means the digital world is changing at an ever faster pace. And with cyber-bullying on the rise, along with Internet grooming, Internet addiction, hacking and more, young users are exposed to all manner of online attacks.

So, for European Safer Internet Day (February 7), the CEOP Centre is urging parents to get properly involved in their children’s online life – with a special website Thinkuknow set up to steer adults through the maze of technology their children may be using.

Advice includes adapting Facebook privacy settings, checking sites and games are age-appropriate, blocking or reporting contacts in IM (Instant Messaging), addressing the issue of online pornography and teaching kids how to control the information they share with others.

There is also a series of films for children aged from five to 16, guiding them through their use of online technologies and teaching them how to respond if something goes wrong or they feel concerned.

As the website notes: “The internet has changed all of our lives, and your child has grown up during this change. Many of the things that confuse, baffle or even scare us, are part of the everyday for them. For many of us, this can all be a bit too much.

“Whether you’re a technophobe or a technophile, it’s still likely that you’ll be playing catch-up with the way your child is using the Internet.”

CEOP Centre chief executive and senior police officer Peter Davies says: “Technology has transformed people’s lives both collectively and individually. It has changed how we communicate and socialise and children and young people are at the forefront – the real Internet pioneers. For them it provides immense opportunity and excitement.

“But too often we see examples of where the child is at risk because they make simple online mistakes. We all have a role to play and today I want to encourage parents to engage with their child to help avoid these risks.”

Among the top tips laid out are:

Be involved

For young people today there is no division between online and offline – they use the Internet to socialise and learn. Just as you are there for them offline, you should give support online too. Talk to your kids about what they are doing and show you understand – they will then be more likely to approach you if they need help or advice.

Stay up-to-date

Be curious and interested in the new gadgets and sites your child uses. As the CEOP Centre cautions: “It’s important that as your child learns more, so do you.”

Set boundaries

There should be boundaries in the online world as much as in the real world: which sites they can visit, who they can communicate with, and when and how, for instance. These rules will change and adapt as they grow and use new technologies.

Know how they are connected to the Internet

These days it’s not just a computer that connects to the Internet: your child’s phone or games console can, too. Make sure you monitor their use of all their devices and check how they are going online: is it your connection, where you may have placed controls, or a neighbour’s Wifi, which lacks safety settings?

Set the controls

Use parental controls on the TV, computers, games consoles and mobile phones to lock and block dangerous sites and help you steer your child through the appropriate boundaries. Your service provider (eg Sky, Vodafone, Virgin etc) will be able to help you with this.

Remind them not to speak to strangers

Just as you caution small children not to go off with strangers, you should remind your kids that not everyone online is who they say they are. Make sure they never meet up with someone they only know online, or at least never without a trusted adult to accompany them.

A CEOP spokesman adds: “The risks that children face may have changed but basic parenting skills remain the same.”

Why 2012 will be a great year for individual style!

Bright, bold and feminine for SS12: Holly Fulton gives the girls what they want

Style it light is all about celebrating individual style! This week’s guest columnist, Johanna Payton, author of Fashion Detective and head of fashion at Style Compare, reveals why 2012 will be a fun year for fashionistas.

Johanna writes: 2011 has been fascinating; it was the year real women rebelled against the cult of the ‘trend’ and found their fashion mojo. Looking ahead to 2012, this can only be good news.

After the February Fashion Weeks, we thought neutral tones - and our dads’ clothes - would invade our wardrobes; boyfriend fashion and androgyny were the way forward, according to the fashion elite. But we just weren’t ready. When summer finally gave way to autumn, we refused to give up our floaty maxi dresses and girly prints. The androgynous trend fell flat on its backside as we bathed our bodies in bright colours, layered skirts and printed tea dresses.

Because of this rebellion, the September runways were soaked in colour, print and freedom. By ignoring the trends we were supposed to be wearing in AW11/12, we gave the designers a license to thrill; they (thankfully) forgot the draining influence of a recession which had sent them on the late Eighties/early Nineties path.

Designers including Holly Fulton and Mary Katrantzou captured exactly what we wanted; eye-popping colour, extreme femininity combined with edgy irreverence and mixed-era influences, creating a look that is, finally, 21^st Century.

That’s why 2012 is going to be a fun year for fashionistas; we’ve found a fashion identity and we’re sticking to it. A vibrant style has already emerged for Christmas, with sparkling gold sequins and unapologetic animal prints ruling the roost. In the early New Year, expect more bling for your buck with sequin jackets, embellished day dresses and candy-coloured hair (just do me a favour and go to a salon if you’re taking the plunge).

As we head into spring, it’s all about the print. Dresses, trousers, shirts and jackets will be adorned with flowers, ferns, swirls, birds and animals. If you thought Versace’s collection for H&M was colour-blinding, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

As recession part deux takes a bite, customisation will hot up during the summer. From sewing beads onto old bikinis to embellishing your basics, creativity will reign.

On the high street, don’t expect the Olympics to cause a Lycra craze. Any influence the Games have on fashion will be subtle and stylish; think Christopher Kane’s tennis skirt and cricket jumper, or Victoria Beckham’s racer-back necklines and silky sports jackets.

By the time we approach 2013, I expect the “Teenies” twist will come in the form of neon colours, digital-inspired prints and more crafty effects, such as patchwork prints, all seen on glam, full-length dresses and palazzo pants.

The New Year is all about girls really going for it; it’s easier than ever to trash the trends and create your own, individual take on fashion. In 2011, designers realised that we don’t always dance to their tune, and by producing designs that they genuinely believe in – rather than pushing trends - they have given us space to write our own fashion stories. With that kind of freedom bursting out of our wardrobes, 2012 could be the best year for fashion yet.

5 foods that will turn you on

Celery

Celery may not be exciting, it may not be appetising, but it is great for getting you excited. If you’re throwing a party or treating your date to a homemade dinner, serve them celery sticks with a sour cream or humus dip. This is the perfect pre-date snack because celery contains androsterone, an odourless hormone, which turns guys on. In turn, men release pheromones, which makes women feel more attracted to the celery chomping man. If you don’t fancy celery and dips, you could pop some celery into a salad or make a celery soup.

Steak with a pine nut salad

If you are on a date, serve steak with a pine nut salad. Firstly most meat-eaters love steak, so even if your date is fussy they will still tuck into what you serve. Secondly, high-protein foods like steak increase alertness and assertiveness. This will mean that after the meal your date won’t feel drowsy and will feel more confident about getting what they want – you. Make sure you combine your steak with a pine nut salad though. Pine nuts, an ancient aphrodisiac, are high in zinc, which enables guys to make more sperm.

Curry

Another great dinner to pick when on a date is curry. A UK study has shown that just thinking of your favourite spicy dish is enough to increase both your heart and your blood pressure to a level similar to one reached during sexual arousal. For the guys, make sure you order a curry that uses the herb Fenugreek. According to a study, male libido increased by 28% when men ate Fenugreek. This is because the seeds are thought to increase the production of hormones, such as testosterone.

Aniseed

Aniseed has been used as an aphrodisiac for years. The Romans and Greeks both believed it to be a powerful concoction.  It is thought that just sucking on the seeds can make you feel aroused. Adding aniseed to a sauce for chicken or pasta is a great way to make use of the seeds. Aniseed is not to everyone’s taste though. If you still want to use aniseed as an aphrodisiac you can add the seeds to ice-cream or drink aniseed based cocktails. There are aniseed teas, aniseed sweets and aniseed liquors.

Strawberries

Did you know that the Romans associated the seductive strawberry with Venus the goddess of love?  Strawberries are particular good for your sex life because they help out the adrenal gland, which produces hormones that stimulate orgasm. Stock up on these red fruits and you’ll feel more stimulated in bed. You could pack a picnic and take strawberries, or if a picnic isn’t for you, eat some vanilla ice-cream with fresh strawberries. The calcium content in a typical bowl (200 milligrams) can also make orgasms more powerful and intense.

What is an orgasm?

An orgasm is a unique combination of both physical and psychological sensations, which appear at the height of sexual arousal. It can be described as the ‘ultimate stage’ of the sexual act, which brings a sensation of satisfaction and fulfilment.

What happens during an orgasm?

An orgasm is the pinnacle of sexual stimulation and, for men, is generally associated with ejaculation and contraction of the perineal muscles.  For women, an orgasm is generally associated with the clitoris retracting along with shuddering muscle contractions in the perineal and vaginal areas.

For both men and women, heart rate accelerates, blood vessels dilate, hair bristles, nipples swell during climax and eyes are often kept closed due to temporary aversion to light.

 In some rare cases, women may sometimes gush or squirt a watery liquid, like an ejaculation, when they orgasm.  This can be quite embarrassing and some women consult a doctor in the belief that they actually incontinent! In reality though, this odourless ‘geyser’ is still quite a mysterious phenomenon. In normal circumstances, female ejaculatory discharge is generally 3 to 5 centimetres cubed in volume and is described as a milky, sweet-tasting substance.

Why is orgasm so good?

As usual when it comes to sex (and love!), the most important feelings are experienced... in your brain! Over and above the physiological sensations described above, physical pleasure, like sport, triggers endorphins in the brain through a process called hypophysis.

These endorphins are 100% natural molecules, very similar to morphine, which give that feel-good factor and a sensation of fulfilment... so that’s why you feel so good after an orgasm! What is more, according to Theresa Crenshaw, author of “The Alchemy of Love and Lust”, sex also triggers a release of DHEA (or dehydroepiandrosterone), which acts as an antidepressant: DHEA is apparently five times more concentrated during orgasm!

What triggers an orgasm?

Now that is the million dollar question! "There’s no such thing as a standard orgasm,” explains sexologist Marie-Hélène Colson. One thing is for sure though; this is another one of those occasions where men and women are diametrically opposed!

While orgasm is generally simple and relatively rapid for men, it can be quite an uncertain phenomenon for women, generally taking longer to achieve... And that is where the main difficulty can lie for achieving a mutually satisfying sex life!

Triggered by the stimulation of erogenous zones, female orgasm requires that a woman know her body well, and that she has cleared away any ‘inhibitions’ and intimate taboos, which may restrict and stop her from "letting go" enough. There is nothing unusual in a young woman not experiencing orgasms right away during her first sexual encounters.

However, a woman who has “mastered” the art of orgasm does have one big advantage over her male partner: multiple and several successive orgasms! Men however, must wait a certain lapse of time after each ejaculation, which can be very short for young men, increasing significantly with age.